Dead Space Review
[Today's article comes from our man in Japan: John Johanas. Japan must be stuck in a time nexus though because it's a review of Dead Space. The nexus is probably making its way across the globe so the rest of us are screwed in a few hours. It took him back 16 months; I hope it takes me back to the early 90's so people stop ridiculing my Zubaz pants]
Alright, so I just played this-BACK THE FUCK OFF OKAY-, and I have to say that Dead Space is the most kick-ass game to ever come out, like ever. Some of my bros told me what kind of hot shit this thing was, and I am here to confirm it. This game is hot shit. So hot, in fact, that my palms are getting sweaty even writing this review!
Dead Space is a balls-out action space shooter. That alone should cause you to shit your pants in excitement. If it wasn’t enough, though I might as well let you in to a secret. Ok, come here … quietly … ok, are ready? Because here it-YOUBLOWTHEFUCKINGARMSANDLEGSOFFALIENBITCHES! Bet that blew your mind huh? They actually tell you NOT to shoot the head. I know that will send a bunch of you bitching, but for those who can grasp it, it is abso-fuckin-lutely ball-bustingly fun. They make this crunch sound, too, it’s really awesome (trust me on this one).
Isaac Clarke: space baller
Let me give you the old Stillman rundown:
When went right: EVERYTHING
What went wrong: NOTHING
There you go, but I might as well elaborate.
Story is in-your-face from the get-go. You (my main man, Isaac) and a couple of other space dudes are out and about for a cruise in deep space when you go respond to some giant drill machine that lost communications. These idiots must have never seen a space movie (or played Dead Space for that matter) because it’s obviously a set up. Big, bad, necro-fuckin-morphs are turning these crazy religious space dudes into wacky knife-hand aliens. Now its up to you, a space engineer with balls so big they don’t even fit in his suit, to make things right. ISAAC’S IN THE HOUSE AND HE’S PLAYING FOR KEEPS!
How do you like your alien? Al dente or extra crispy?
The next 12 hours are you using wacky engineering tools to blow the shit out of those bad dudes. They come from everywhere: air vents, toilet bowls, air vents, the sky, and air vents!
People try to hype this game up as scary, but don’t be a bitch-ass. You KNOW there are crazy alien motherfuckers there, so why are you worrying when they pop out of the roof all of a sudden. Don’t worry, bro, my giant spinning saw blade will show you who’s got the right stuff. BOOYAH!
If you can’t ignore the fact that this game is 99 percent ripped exactly from Resident Evil 4 and Half–life 2, then you are a fool who can’t shut their mouth. I don’t remember either of those games taking place in space. Nor do I remember any knife-hand aliens. You are an idiot and don’t deserve to even open the shrink-wrap on this one.
I really don’t know what else to say besides that this game is da bomb. I should probably stop now or there is fear of massive nut busting in the next few minutes.
