Backhand of Justice

 Here it is folks, the epic conclusion to Part 1 that you’ve been waiting for since yesterday. Many questions will be answered such as ‘can anything unseat Cabela’s Big Game Hunter 2010?’ (No) and ‘What is the difference between baking powder and baking soda?’ (Nothing. Big Soda has tricked you).

More importantly, I’m going to break down the top five games of the year and hopefully incite a flame war so powerful it will spill out beyond the Internet and into living rooms worldwide. Considering my readership consists of four ghost accounts I created to increase my own traffic, I’m pretty much only screwing myself here.

Read on for the top five!

Game of the year

5) Batman: Arkham Asylum

Hopes for Batman, like for most licensed properties, were not very high. Although the fan boy community hype was strong especially after the release of The Dark Knight, the general gaming public assumed this would be another cheap brawler a la Wolverine or Watchmen. How wrong we all were.

Batman’s combat was top notch and its brawling mechanics are still unmatched in my book, its villains were convincing and believable (especially Mark Hamill, whose Joker is incredible) and its implementation of some of Batman’s gadgetry was innovative and streamlined. Most importantly, its stealth mechanics were accessible and satisfying, resulting in the best straightforward linear experience of the year (yes I’m including you Uncharted 2).

While the collectibles and extras in the form of Riddler trophies, challenge rooms and even playing as the Joker are extensive, the main storyline takes about 6-8 hours to complete. If you haven’t yet checked this one out, at least make it a rental. You won’t regret it.

Dammit Joker, why are we number 5? You promised me this was going to be our year. I'm the goddamn Batman!

4) Plants vs. Zombies

Oh my god, a casual game, here? Yes. And not because I give some sort of ‘adjusted rating’ to casual games, or because I wanted to change it up with a controversial pick. Plants vs. Zombies was simply one of the best games of the year, and it served as more than just a minor distraction if the hours of entertainment I got from it are anything to go by.

Sure, it’s just tower defense with a new skin, but the creativity of the units, the animations of the zombies and the overall cheerful tone of the game was fresh and inviting. There is also significant depth beyond that of most tower defense games when you consider the multiple game modes, levels that limit the units available to you and even the unlimited mode. It’s fantastic (and cheap) and certainly an offering from 2009 that shouldn’t be missed.

Maybe it's time to reevaluate. I know you have a lot of food on your plate. Brains are quite rich in cholesterol. You're dead so it doesn't matter. Instead we'll use this solar power to make a lawn defense at any hour.

3) Borderlands

I hate to put you here, Borderlands, I really do. In any other year this decade other than 2004 you would have taken home game of the year honors. That alone should speak to the quality of this title and 2009 as a whole. Borderlands is one of the most addictive FPS ever made because of its Diablo-esque loot collection mechanics, and the stylized world and dark humor of many of the characters adds to the experience. Borderlands will teach you to hate Skags, Rakk and Raiders in equal measure. If you don’t know what any of those are, you just haven’t been caught by the Borderlands bug yet.

Online or off, the game always encourages you to do just one more quest or search for one more treasure chest in the hope that you might open it up and find a legendary orange rarity weapon. Diablo is addicting enough, but not everybody likes action-RPG hack and slash. If shooters are more to your taste, give Borderlands a try. Make sure to clear your calendar, though, you might be a while.

Borderlands: Stylin' since 2009

2) Assassins Creed 2

Forget GTA. Ignore Infamous. This is the best open-world game ever made. Sure, the version of Renaissance Italy created by Ubisoft isn’t a complete world simulator in the way Liberty City is. So what? Does that really add anything to the gameplay? Open world games aren’t just about creating a sandbox in which to play. AC2 gives you the greatest variety in approaches for the core mechanic of the game: assassination.

Evading guards and climbing around on rooftops is streamlined without being oversimplified. Assassination techniques and animations are gratuitous and satisfying. The world is beautiful and the scope of the game is staggering. I never played Assassins Creed so I didn’t experience the ‘repetitive’ gameplay first-hand, but either whatever they did wrong in the original was fixed for this iteration, or gamers are huge whiners.

This game is a momentous achievement and if the trajectory of this series holds constant, Assassins Creed 3 will be the greatest game of all time. You heard it here first.

Next we finally come to the grand prize. What took home top honors for Game of the Year? (The winner receives a full turkey dinner and a coupon for $10 off a Grand Slam at Denny’s) Will it be Modern Warfare 2? Will it be Resident Evil 5? Will it be Kenka Bancho Badass Rumble?

Assassins Creed 2: Finest diving simulator since Cabela's Big Game Hunter 2010

1) Dragon Age: Origins

Who else? Bioware has consistently delivered the goods on the RPG front, and while they seemed to be moving away from their CRPG roots and dumbing down their offerings for consoles of late, Dragon Age is a triumphant return to form. The story, while unoriginal in its broad strokes, is one of the finest and most believable in memory due to its stunning details. The characters are compelling and each one has something to like and something to dislike about them. Their stories are interesting and personalities consistent. These are the most real characters with whom you’ve ever adventured.

Most importantly, the choices in the game are meaningful and they are permanent. They don’t slightly change your alignment, or earn you a stern reprimand from your party members. They can change the entire dynamic of the game. There are no right answers here, only shades of grey, and you never feel compelled to choose one path or another based on what rewards you will receive or what your companions want you to do. Sacrifices have to be made no matter which direction you take, but then again, tough choices are an integral part of life and for the first time a game has lived up to this aspect of reality. 

This ogre represents Dragon Age: Origins. This puny warrior represents this year's other games. Go ahead Ogre, do your thing. RAWR!

The combat is excellent, mages are finally useful and the inclusion of the word Origins in the name suggests this isn’t the final offering but instead an introduction to the world of Ferelden. If they’re all this good, I say bring on the sequels. My first playthrough of the game took 50 hours. Though only a couple weeks have passed, I’m already ready for more.

Tell the good Doctors at Bioware their gift card is in the mail. Grand Slam breakfasts all around.

Until next year …